Dialectically Opposed

The Geordie

Ahm gannin hyem

Heading te tha Toon

Back up te Newcastle

I'll see yee very soon

Ahm gannin hyem

Back up te the North East

Where the black an white

Stripes will never cease

Te colour me heart

The Scouser

I stood by de dock and

Watched de tourists snap photos

Wi' John Paul George and Ringo

Back in Liverpool breath'n in

De scouse air where

Matthew street still buzzes

Wi' the Mersey beat and

Everyone greets yous

Like a long lost friend

Alright there soft lad?!

Ain't seen yous a long time!

Go 'ead yous been away awhile

But yous can never pretend

Yer didn't miss de 'Pool

Liver a little, with a lorra

Time to smile

The Yorkie

It's grim up north they seh

neva a blue sky or sun shining day

it's grim up north cowd win' ont' moors

An' faces wrapped up against t'weather

Yet betta off indoors

But t' truth is anythin but grim

In god's own country

Where folk grin 'n bear it 'n grin 'n share

Their warmth an' kindness an'

Open their doors an' hearts ta thee

Aye it may be parky

Aye t' sky may be grim

But i' Yorksher the folk will always welcome

Tha with a pot o' tea an' a warmin grin.

The Brummie

Second city we am

an' we ain't full of bull

but full of alrooight bab

i'm alrooight, 'oo abart yaouw?

Venice of the north a web of canals

in every which way

layers of history

shapin' the present day

with asalaam wa'alaikum

with wagwan

with jak się masz,?

with aap kaise him?

with ni hoa ma?

the heart of england

begins in the language

of the Brummie

And the heart o'Birmingham

The Scot

Ah staun oan tap o' a munro

the world at mah feet

spread far 'n' wide

to a distant golden beach

it wis a fair rare day

the sky crossed with saltire cloud

Against a sky o' Scots blue

and th' sun wis beating down

on a man who was

lost in thought 'n' the

wonder o' it all

if ainlie they fellows cuid see this

from beyond yonder Hadrian's Wall

for aye scootlund is bonnie

aye scootlund is whaur ah ca' home

aye scootlund haes mah heart

and aye, ah kin ne'er far tae roam

The East Ender

Me tea tastes o' the Thames

Me bus goes by the Queen's gaff

The pigeons all coo in Cockney

And chuckle at the traffic stacked

Nose ter tail ter sirens wail

A constant night and day

And me 'eart skips a beat

When Saturday comes and

The 'ammers 'ave a London Derby day

Against the posh brigade

Over in the west,

Them Chelsea Tractors,

We're gonna bulldoze 'em

Show 'em that East is best

I work hard all week

Sippin' me tea that tastes o' the Thames

Waitin' for the 3pm kick off roar

Let's 'ammer them

And start the game.

The Westie

Ere, arite me luvver

A proper job you've done

Got the garden looking lush

Ee's a boot, right on

I'll sort yer money dreckly

Before it gets too dimpsey

Glad we got the teddies in

Yep, that's the badger for me

Twas a time backalong

I grew a gurt load of veg

But since me back tent right

I can only prune a hedge

So ta muchly again me'ansum

You've got the garden looking the biz

Time to welcome the grockles back

Holiday season's on again, oh yertiz!

The Manc

Put kettle on

I'm gaggin for a brew

Kid's been mithering me all day

Skrikin and arguing, making a right old ballyhoo

Me oldest's got a cob on

Ee's been in a real old strop

Me heads in biscuits right now

I'm well tired I can tell ya me old cock

I'll tell ya what it is right

He needs to give his head a wobble

And pull his angin' keks up or

He's gonna be in a world o'trouble

I'm dead serious

We'd only just got back from the Ribble

Lovely family day out

But got home to a visit from the Dibble

Turns out some of his bessies

Nicked a motor the other day

And he cadged a lift to the beach

Daft apeth's only risking being put away

And throwing away a future

He's been sound recently at school

But being gormless will get him nowhere

Except locked up for being a tool

He got away with a caution

Coz his bessies didn't dob him in

Said he were innocent right

And didn't know it were stolen

It's been a bit bobbins lately

And I hope this trouble gets sorted and fettled

But for now he's grounded on water and jam butties

Ere, I'm gaggin again, come on refill that kettle

The Norn Iron

Met a bloke

In the pub last night

Spinning a yarn

Great banter, wee jokes

He was pure steamin'

And enjoying the craic

He disappeared to the gents

And never came back

So I made my way home

The weather was boggin

I was pure foundered and shiverin'

As I dandered and the night rolled in

Over a chilly Belfast Lough

But like a complete eejit

I'd not brought my coat

I stood gurning as the waves

Mocked and plundered the shore

Ha waves, come take a look at this bloke

Yous lookin a wee bit scundered

It's pure Baltic the night

Ah houl yer whisht

I yelled out in fright and

Shouted at the sea

Catch yourself on!

Wind yer neck in!

And leave me be!

Bout ye? Said the moon

Glimpsed in a break in the cloud

Heading home Mr Moon

Aye keep er lit big man

And dare be so loud

There's people sleepin'

Here's ma wha! They'll grumble

When they're awoke

By some eejit faffin about

Frozen cold as a poke